Hmmmm..

i've just finish reading this..taken from here..

p/s: farah, akak copy ur entry..:D

it is amazing how a mother/father can raised her/his child, many of them but they couldn't even take care of her/him. this is based on experiences and believe it or not, it is going to happen to us eventually.

not many of us, (i'm referring to me exactly) can put up with an old woman/man. we can't even tell sometimes how we were related to them. they weren't cool, they made us do things we don't like, said things we don't wanna hear (coz it turns out to be true in the end) and so many annoying things to be mentioned here.

i was raised by a single father, single retired army father. my mum died when i was four. she left my father, an army officer with 7 children to be taken care of, alone and she took my little sister with her. she was 41, the same age as papa. and i grew up without a mother.

2 years later, papa retired from army, he was a 'MEJAR' at that time. the reason why he step down from his post, he couldnt bear the thoughts of his children growing out without parents to look after them. we were placed under my granny's care after my mum left. he was so busy going places at that time and we only see him once in a while.

it is made believe that growing up as an army's children was tough. yes, it was. papa was very strict. he made timetable for a day activities and make sure all of us follow it. (my older sis said it, i was still small at that time so i didn't remember) what i still remember is, when i'm in standard six, 3 months b4 upsr, he was the one who assist me, tutoring me with all the spot questions. he boughts all upsr revision and exercise and practise books for me to practise. he even made a lil kajian about the past questions and spot the questions. a month b4 upsr, i even have to refrain myself from watching tv as every 2 hours of rest, there are set of exam paper i have to answer according to time that he had set and i have to follow the time limit. i hate him back then when he made me study, i was a child, and a child wants nothing but joy and fun, not squishing our brain off doing practises and exercises book. the same goes when i'm in f3. even i was at boarding school at that time, he still make me do the exercise books when i came home for the weekends and holidays. but, i am thankful he'd done it all to me, i've got 5a's for upsr and 8a's for pmr.

for all he's done to the family, i would say everything paid off when my older bro and sis managed to further their studies oversea and all of the others went to university. it is such an achievement for him.

when he's got older, his health deteriorated. he was diagnosed for kidney failure and had to go through dialysis. he already had diabetes, heart problem and high blood pressure then. i was on holiday and were waiting for my upu application at that time. his temper was unbearable at that time. he was hot-tempered, and it get worse after that. at early stage of dialysis, he made us wait at the centre for 4 hours, waiting for him. he doesnt want to be left alone padahal sume orang kat centre tu datang sorang2 je. i was the victim (itu yg i rasa), the one yang ade kat umah, yang ade lesen, and i drove him 30km from changloon to alor setar every 2 days and had to wait for 4 hours doing nothing but massaging his feet when he complained kaki dy kebas. i bought foods coz he refused to eat what the nurse served, bought him newspaper, and everything he asked me to do. i was so stressed out masa 2, doing things i don't like. don't get me wrong, bukan i tanak jaga, it is just that, the things he made me do, when i didn't do it right (not the way he want it to, aldo it seems right to me), he will scold me, in front of the other patients and nurses. i was embrassed by him, really. i couldn't accept the fact that dy marah i depan orang ramai, even what i did was right. i even cried outside of the centre and the nurse came and calmed me down. at times, i even pretend to be sick so i don't have to bawak him to do dialysis. seriously, it was hell for me.

when i got my acceptance letter to university, i was so ecstatic. finally, i don't have to stay here anymore. i am sick of papa telling me what to do. i hate him but deep down i pity him. masa 2 pikir2 gak, sape laa nak jage dy nnt ms dialysis, urut dy ble dy kebas, suap makanan kat dy. i was so sad to leave him, tp excited at the same time.

after a year, the disease wasnt going to get better. one by one of the patients died, only some remains. papa cakap he was so afraid, seeing his friends at the centre one by one gone. masa 2 laa he looks so old and restless. last raya aidiladha, we took him to hospital sultanah bahiyah. had his dialysis there. it was more comfortable and biar doctor bagi byk ckit attention kat dy. he was admitted to first class as we don't want any gangguan for him. banyak sangat dugaan masa 2. he became more and more hot-tempered. all he do was get angry and scolded us. really, masa 2 i rasa sangat xsbr nak blk kL, i am done with all of this. we were tired of he marah2 everytime we're around. kat rumah, kitorang adik beradik wat meeting, cakap xpuas ati slalu kne marah ngan papa. only the boys yang backup papa. yang len sume daa xtahan. tapi sume diam ble my older bro, a.ju said "baru cani daa xtahan, papa 2 besarkan kte sorang2 je. byk komplen je korang."

2 days after raya, we went home to kL as the holiday was over. b4 balik masa salam 2, i still had anger within me, still xpuas ngan papa, i was happy daa xduduk umah 2. masa salam ngan papa 2, even i was mad, i said im sorry, i xtau i ikhlas ke x masa 2. he kissed my forehead after i kissed his hands and he smiled. and off we go. masa 2, he was home, dy tanak dok hospital daa. he looks good and healthy at that time.

2 weeks later. i was one week away from my final. i still remember it was thursday when i received a call from k.nie telling me that papa had fainted that morning. she told me to pack my bag and we're going back home in the afternoon. i cried, she told me to calm down as he only fainted. i couldnt believe it. what if he never woke up after that? i never get the chance to ask his forgiveness yet, a decent one. i was so scared at that time. i couldnt stop crying while i packed my bags. i cried myself to sleep until k.pie called saying she was downstairs to pick me up.

i went to the car, i was calmed down at that time. i made myself believe that he's going to be okay. im coming back for him. he had to wait 4 me, he just had to. masuk kete and istighfar, praying everything will be okay.

tapi, all my hopes were crushed into pieces went k.pie stop the car in front of my college. i knew the things that will come out of her mouth is going to hurt me. when she breaks the news, i screamed. no, dy xley g lagi, kite xsampai lagi nie. nape dy daa g??! he was gone, in the car, on his way to hospital. i knew it, ape yang i ckp tadi masa k.nie tepon btol. he was long gone, and now baru ade org cakap. i was devastated at the time. i cried and cried all the way back to kelantan.

we arrived at 11 something that night. the kereta mayat xsampai lagi masa 2. my mum's father, tok ayoh house was full of people, our relatives, friends and villagers. we were waiting for him to arrive. it is his wish to be buried at my mother's side along with my little sister and my granfather.

he arrived 15 minutes later. daa mandi and kapan sume, we get to see him. i saw him smiling, very calm and bercahaya je muke dy. maybe he's happy to see my mum again, and that he doesnt have to feel pain any longer. i kissed him, the last kiss that im gonna get from him. i was so carefully not to let the tears kena him. i dont him to suffer anymore. enough for what he had been through b4.

malam tu jugak we buried him. everything went on smoothly, no complications. i can still remember his smiling faces when he was placed in the hole. i knew he will be happy over there.

2 more days and genaplah 7 bulan papa pergi. until now, i still couldnt believe he was gone already. it feels like he was some place far from me, he wasnt really gone. i dreamt of him once. he's smiling, just sitting on his fav couch and smile. he doesnt said anything, he just smile. and i woke up feeling tears in my eyes. i knew he wants me to know that he's happy there.

al-fatihah to my dearest, the greatest father i've ever had, Mejar (B) Haji Razi Haji Mahmood. may his soul is blessed and ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang beriman. ameeen.

all i wanna say here is, take care of our parents macam diorang jaga kte dulu. we dunno when they will left us. masa 2, xde ape daa ley wat except for crying and asking for them back. really, i had my share and sometimes i feel awful of myself. i didnt do my best to take care of him. all i wish were for him to forgive me for what i've done that might hurt him. that's all that i wish for.

may Allah bless u guys always.

i miss my papa very much.